2 step

Another issue that has been occupying me recently is my own lack of motivation. I've been getting tired very easily, and the answer to that is to eat well and exercise. But that takes time and more energy, and so it all just sort of spirals down into not doing anything and being tired. This is similar to my loneliness spiral.

It makes it very difficult to do anything when I'm always tired. It also makes it difficult when I have very little personal time (due to work), and even less time personal creative time (due to hanging out with people). This means that I don't get anything done creatively and get frustrated about it. Hello Blacksmith is currently where I get most of my creative energies out, which is cool, because it's hanging out and creativity at once, but I also do more than play punk music.

I write music, poetry, lyrics, I draw, I sing, I practice spoken word.

All of those? Haven't happened.

Sitting outside enjoying the sun? Nope.

Reading? Hah!

Time only factors into the motivation issues. Time is not the problem. Motivation to use the little time I have for creativity is.

Now I know why people never leave school. It's a completely different structure for your time.

Updates from the sidelines

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've had a lot on my mind. This may turn into a "thinky" post, so watch your step with the ellipses and mind the gap.

Still working. Life's still ... half working. We're hitting a slow spot at work in terms of the "development life cycle" (not the best picture). We're stuck in design, as this is a large project, and there are still a lot of things we haven't talked about yet.

I mean... we did go through the cycle once, and got our first super-rough test site up. The basics work, but now it's time to move on to a lot of other things. Our basic functionality is there, but all of the other "basic" functionality people seem to want needs to be implemented, but first, designed, and that's where the difficulties are.

All of this just leads up to the fact that I'm not too enthralled by work right now (hence, writing a blog post). And I still have to be here and wake up and be tired and all that big band. People being home means that I spend all my time seeing them, and I'm ... well, I'm still in school mode, specifically school mode without constant companions. I'm used to having and taking personal time whenever I feel like it. And I'm not used to people planning things -- the folks I started hanging out with at the end of the year just called and we did stuff, there was no planing stage.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy hanging out with friends, and seeing people. In fact, I've started getting lonely when I don't see people, and then my "must be independent of all people, ideas and objects" psyche feasts on that and forces me into deeper troughs of loneliness.

Last week was really difficult for me. If you know emotional difficulty, fill in the blank.

This all leads up to a friend telling me to "cheer up, emo wench!" Which makes more sense in context, but it was still sort of not what I thought I needed to hear. It did work though. I felt much better that day, and in subsequent days.

So I guess ... thanks for startling me into trying to fix my life? Turns out you know me better than I do.