I had to write an inauguration poem for my Poetry class today, which is quite the task; I was extremely intimidated until I remembered I wouldn't be reading my poem to 6.some billion people immediately after a speech by President Barack Obama. After that I just sat down and wrote that shit. It started out not meaning to be anything. I think I'm going to put it in for workshop, but I dunno, because we only get like 4 chances for workshopping our stuff. I have something that I definitely want to put into workshop written mostly in iambic trimeter; I like it but I think it needs a bit more of something. I dunno. I'm bad at gaugeing (...sp?) people's reactions to my shit. Hence why, instead of wanting to hear "I liked how you used this symbol..." when I ask if you liked it, I want to hear "yes." or "no." or "it was terrible. how could you write something THAT BAD?" If you got that hidden joke about md5 sums or w/e, cool, rewarding, but if you didn't like it anyways, I failed, no?
Anyways, I'm not going to post either of those yet, instead I'll give you something I didn't like at first -- I'm still not sure I like it. W/e. It needs work, give me a hand?
This last day awards us some compliance
With our wishes – we have hoped for summer
While deep in winter's grasp.
Family let me be ... prosody has not.
Fuck. I can no longer think without hearing,
In addition to the former beat, the the stupid
Up and down of peasant strove to artist.
Pleib to faults, I find myself stuck, not -
got you there -
Sisyphus, but rather crushed, West Virginian.
I speak not form your voice, from your weary lilt
That seeks to speak from sleep a sounder silence
To fill that former beat full fury. To leave
What's left, from left to right, to reader's gaze –
So frightful. I can feel nothing more frightful.
January has exited.
The world spins faster every year
And I can't even deal with timing laundry,
How can I find my way?
What could February begin to say
To make me bare my pen and ink?
2.2.09
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I think it needs some more concrete things. I think it starts off well, but I think you could get the point of what you are trying to say in there more. It seems like there is a great deal of frustration with winter, but I may be picking up on that a lot because I am very tired of winter. Give me some nouns (really concrete ones)and that would help. Also, do you mean to have "the" twice in front of stupid.
ReplyDeletebeginning is strong, and i like the ending a lot. it's the middle after/maybe including family let me be" down to the bit about west virginia, tho even that could be more specific. take tasha's advice on being conrete, right now there's nice images and good words, but no feel of what/if you're trying to say something. it's not that i need to be given the poet's agenda, i just need to be ressured that you're sayign something. (hope that didn't come across as bitchy)
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I get it. Probably because I'm missing connotations, or whatever. I'm with Tasha, I'd prefer something more concrete.
ReplyDeleteOverall? I liked it, but I want something a bit clearer... I don't like poetry exactly though :-P
Thanks guys! I revised a bit, and with the aid of 2am managed to make it so that I like it now! Yay!
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